Just a glance and you would never guess,
how much her soul can supress.
Her smile only shows what she allows,
hiding her bodys inability to be aroused.
A heart that has taken too many blows,
and is filled with the sounds of crows.
Following her through life in flight,
waiting for that hot blaze to ignite.
A burning blaze that scorches the pain,
and cant be extinguished by any rain.
The wildfire that eradicates her soul,
and cauterizes all the shrapnel holes.
It is this inferno that she desperately needs,
and all of the havoc that it breeds.
For in this inferno lies her existence,
all of her chances for subsistence.
Hoping for her heart to be burned to coal,
so that she may salvage her dead soul.
A hand firmly around her throat,
even a hateful little note.
A bite upon her soft skin,
any pain that is like sin.
Pain that stimulates her senses,
from whoever is willing to dispense.
It is tortuous pain that will save her,
trading her soul in a legal transfer.
Giving it to that terrible hellion,
to become a twisted minion.
So that she may feel again,
the blood rushing through her veins.
Her soul will belong to this entity,
who can give her a feeling of identity.
Identity amongst the dark haze,
lurking inside her full of strays.
Stray bullets that left the deepest wounds,
from the firefight that has left her doomed.
Doomed to feel nothing in her heart,
only numbness until she departs.
This sinful pain is now her pleasure,
she holds it tightly like a treasure.
A treasure that has no value,
except for the pain that accrues.
The more she is ripped and torn,
the closer she is to being reborn.
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I saw you posted on twitter how no one comments on your poetry. So I thought I might offer a bit of constructive criticism on this one:
ReplyDeleteIn the first line,
("Just a glance and you would never guess")
the word 'would' has implications that the 2nd person is unwilling to guess the extent of suppression the woman's soul is capable of. I think the word 'could' would/could be stronger since it's connotations imply inability in lieu of unwillingness.
Fourth line,
body's is missing possessive apostrophe.
I do not understand the 'sounds of crows' line. Her heart is in pain and is filled with caws? :)
The poem is very abstract, some concrete imagery would be a great addition to it. It can paint a better picture for the reader to understand, visualize, and feel the emotions that fill the poem.
Nice work.
thanks for the feedback, manny, i truly appreciate it.
ReplyDeletei dont usually like to change my words though once i have put them down. i like to let it flow out of me.
as far as the 'sounds of crows'. the crow is the bird associated with death. im not sure how to better explain it. :)
I think it's perfect. When I write, it always flows, that's the way you truly reach into your sould to find out what it is saying.
ReplyDeleteI felt all the emotion in this.